Yesterday, I friend tweeted about her son taking the SAT and that she was getting emotional about him going away to college next year. She asked me how I dealt with the separation anxiety when my son left for college two years ago. Well, that would definitely take more than 140 characters to answer.
I am 34 years old. My son is 20 years old. You can quickly do the math to know that I was young when I had him. Trust me, age does not depreciate a mother's love. I knew that I had a job to do, probably the toughest I would have in my life. I knew the separation would come eventually and started to mentally prepare when he began kindergarten. Keeping, in the forefront of my mind, the reality that he would one day leave home made me work harder to make sure he had all the tools that I could give him to one day become a responsible adult. I also allowed myself to cry throughout the years. As he became more independent, I let go -just a little- with every tear.
Now that you have that bit of information, let's fast forward to 2009.
We got through graduation with no problem. No tears. Even the drop off at school went smoothly. But the test came when I drove away from the campus, leaving my only child in a new place without me or close family near. The challenge was waking up the next day and not seeing his beautiful face. I knew the worry would rain upon me. Who would take care of him? What if something happens? I'm four hours away. What if he loses his asthma pump? What if gets admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning because underaged drinking on college campuses is a given?
What if? What if? What if?
I knew it would come so I had a conversation with my son. Of course, this wasn't our first conversation. I have always encouraged open communication between my son and I. But this conversation was a little different. I am a worrier. My son is fully aware of this. He would call me over protective. But I would choose a different description: loving, caring, a mom. Anyway, I reminded him that I worry about him. To quote myself, "Nobody loves you like ya momma." I explained to him the emotions that are associated with him growing up and moving on. I asked him to give me a couple of months -two months- to be an overprotective mom who's only kid is growing up. I told him I need time to go through the motions of this transition. Reminded him that this was a transition for both of us. I asked for that time and he agreed. I promised to let go (a little more) after those two months of hovering. It worked out for me. The jury is still out, so to speak, on whether it worked for him.
My advice to parents whose child is soon to leave the nest: Communication is key. Communicate with your child. Let them know that you are only human and have feelings of lost during this transition phase of their lives. Communicate with other parents who are going through or who have gone through the transition also. Communicate with the school. Speak to officials, professors, and coaches (if your child plays a sport). Ask them questions and get contact information so that you feel that much more comfortable leaving your precious cargo in their care. (I had the university's basketball coach's personal cell number locked in my phone.) And most importantly, communicate with yourself. Remind yourself of the reality that children grow up and become adults who have families and children of their own. Remind yourself that you love your child so much that you will never allow your fears to get in the way of his or her opportunity to experience life. I know you would protect them at all costs but it is not your job anymore to hold their hand. Oh, you
WILL cry that they do not need your help to cross the street anymore. And it
WILL come out of left field. Allow yourself to go through the transition and every emotion without taking away from their life experiences. Our experiences made us who we are and we need not stand in the way of their opportunity to grow.
Communication is key. So, remember when you have a conversation with your child that he or she is a young adult so the delivery needs to change. This is major. It is not a matter of
telling your child what to do any longer. And this fact becomes a point of contingency between parent and child. Try to make this transition as smooth as possible by keeping your emotions in check and respecting your young adult as they transition into adulthood. You will see in a few short years the fruits of your labor as the proud parent of a college graduate.
And remember to breathe.
You will be alright. And so will your child.
You did a great job so celebrate!
This is a photo of my son and I earlier this year (2011).
